Hoffstrizz

Our Republican Congresswomen Ranked By The Hypothetical Amount of Scotch Required to Perform Cunnilingus On Them

Our good friend Silvio Berlusconi claims that the Right has better looking broads than the Left.  And in the past election cycle there was a whole bunch of hullabaloo about the rise of Conservative women, Mama Grizzlies and whatnot.  There's certainly some truth to this... hey I'd definitely roger that witch lady.  Not only would she have been our hottest Senator (sorry Barbara Mikulski), but anyone that worked up about abstinence has to be a freak deep down inside.

Anyway so I decided to rank our Republican Congresswomen by my willingness to perform cunnilingus on them...

And since we haven't ranked things in scotch in awhile, we're doing this by the number of glasses of scotch required...

My 12 Favorite Micronations

As mentioned before, Hoffstrizz thinks it would be really awesome to claim some land.  But did you know that with a little pluck and a lot of crazy, you could claim your own country?  Who doesn't want them some sovereignty?  Getting other countries to recognize you can require some effort, but then is there anything worthwhile that doesn't?  So let's take a look at my 12 Favorite Micronations...

What is a micronation?...a self-proclaimed sovereign state, usually very small.  So what's the difference between a micronation and say the Vatican?  The Vatican is recognized by legitimate governments, and these "independent" states are not, which is not to say that the Vatican isn't any more absurd than any of these noble endeavors...

What does the picture of Berlusconi, Gaddafi, and one of Gaddafi's Amazonian bodyguards have to do with this?  Nothing, but what's a picture of "micronations?"  So I thought I'd just hit you with some awesome.

What Planned Parenthood Actually Does

Hoffstrizz doesn't like to weigh in on current political debates and for this reason will be concise, but he's been rather agitated lately over recent events in the House of Representatives.  The issue is Federal funding for Planned Parenthood, or rather the attempts led by one Mike Pence, Republican of Indiana, to deny all Federal funding for the organization.  I find this to be an appallingly disgraceful act for reasons I shall endeavor to explain...

The Idiot's Guide to Berlusconi, His Whores, and Modern Italy

This week Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was indicted for paying for sex with an under-age prostitute and will stand trial beginning April 6th.  And now that he's approaching the stupendous triumph of his record-setting career in unintentional comedy I thought we'd take a moment to review the hilarious life and times of my 2nd favorite European leader.  Whether you're a long-time fan like me, or just now learning that Italy is ruled by a lecherous, bumbling, old sack of corrupt absurdity, I'm sure you'll enjoy the Hoffstrizz Idiot's Guide to Berlusconi, His Whores, and Modern Italy...

Honestly, Hoffstrizz is more excited about the spectacle of the long-awaited Berlusconi under-age prostitution trial than he has been since... well... no this is just about the most excited he's been in 2011.

The Real Problem With Bottled Water

I won't deny that a part of me has a perverse respect for bottled water companies... Bottled water is the most brilliant scam since... Hmm... Well, it just might be the most brilliant con in the history of mankind.  Had the phenomenon of bottled water stayed confined to the French, I would probably be writing an article praising its devious brilliance.  But alas, it did not.  This is an issue America must confront and now.

You see this is a matter of national security, an issue which is both fundamentally symbolic of our national decline as well as insiduously promoting it...Really, you ask, national security?  Trust me, you just haven't thought this through enough.

And so we present the Hoffstrizz Idiot's Guide to the Bottled Water Phenomenon...

The 8 Greatest Stories of Survival in the History of Mankind

While writing my previous article about my favorite explorers, I was writing about Roald Amundsen, and I was like why the fuck am I not writing about Ernest motherfucking Shackleton, the greatest man of all time?  So I decided I would save Shackleton to do a list of survival stories.  You see there is only one test of a man in this world, dear readers, and that is what he can endure.  So here we have it, the 8 Greatest Stories of Survival in the History of Mankind...

My 36 Favorite Explorers of All-Time

Who wouldn't want to be an explorer?  Think about it, is there any other job where all you do is hunt for treasure and claim land?... I'd love to claim me some land.  Sure there's the prospect of starvation, scurvy, or getting eaten by natives, but I think if you're not claiming lands, you ain't living... Face to the horizon, wind at your back, boldly forward into uncharted waters, all that stuff...  I don't know how I made this list, some are conquistadors, some are explorers, and some are more accurately travelers.  More importantly there are thirty-fucking-six of them!  Wow.  I had no idea I'd written so much until I counted up at the end.  As a result I didn't pay much attention to how I ranked them, but who gives a shit?...

Let's start off with the stupidest explorer ever...

My 14 Favorite World War One Aces

As mentioned, I think human flight is both an amazing and still-not-fully-appreciated accomplishment.  And for me one of the most fascinating parts of aviation history as well as military history, is the story of the air war in World War One...dogfights and triplanes and the Red Baron and all that... When the war begins it has only been ten years since the Wright brothers managed to skim some flimsy contraption across some sand dunes.  And suddenly nations are fighting an "air war", with massive formations of airplanes, bombers, and zeppelins?  This whole idea of flying has only been around for a decade, and you're going to strap yourself to bunch of canvas and plywood glued to a machine gun and go barreling into an anti-aircraft barrage?  Being a World War I pilot was literally for people with no desire to be on this earth any longer.

And most of them didn't linger.

So whether they were a maniac, sociopath, adrenaline-junkie, or just figured anything had to be better than those motherfucking trenches, we salute those knights of the sky in our 14 Favorite World War One Aces...

Eight Men With More Children Than They Could Count

It's just plain natural instinct for a man to want to spread his seed, sow his oats, go forth and multiply... all that.  In a very real sense the only measure of a man's success in this world is how widely he is able to distribute his genes into the great sea of humanity.  So today we take a look at eight men who procreated with a determination bordering on pathological...

Note: Much as I wanted to put Shawn Kemp on this list, no one really has any idea how many kids he's made...

Anyway, how many children could one man conceivably bang out in a lifetime?  These men tried to answer that question...

Why Chinese Mothers Are Inferior

I happened to read the Wall Street Journal last weekend and an article contained there-in entitled Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.  I found it to be a thoroughly amusing piece from a clearly delusional and insane woman, but I had no idea how many people were going to take this broad seriously, or how much debate it would stir up over the next week.  And while the author, one Amy Chua, confessed to numerous instances of child abuse which prompted a great deal of outrage, and a great many people have already refuted most of her arguments... I haven't seen anyone discuss the point on which she was most egregiously mistaken, and it actually explains why we Westerners are superior to the Chinese.  Thus, the first and last time Hoffstrizz writes an article on anything remotely related to parenting...

Old People... What Have They Done For Us Lately? Also, Fuck the Baby Boomers, or Why America is on the Decline...

In our last article on Arizona, we mentioned that old people were worthless.  Or more precisely we said, "The only thing old people are good for is providing tradition and maintaining a sense of community, so the old people who abandoned their homes to go live in a Scottsdale retirement community are literally worthless."  Even this value is probably a bit questionable...after all, nowadays old people are just holding up meaningful reform, keeping us from legalizing homosexuality and weed, and handing over their money to those Tea Party assholes.  I mean they're even fucking up health care reform... Which is ridiculous considering that in my experience, trips to the doctor's or drug store are the only thing old people are capable of talking about.

Anyway, this ramble covers a lot of shit... the first part is about how our views on aging are bananas.  The second part is about how Baby Boomers are responsible for the nation's decline.  This really should be two articles... But trust me it all fits together somehow, because our delusional views on aging and personal decline our analagous to our views on our nation and its decline...

Reflecting on the Tragedy in Tucson: Who Needs Arizona Anyway?

This weekend's unfortunate shooting has prompted much hand-wringing, prattling, and pontificating about our increasingly vitriolic political discourse.  Why, I looked at the huffington post this morning and roughly 90% of the content seemed to be op-eds about gun control or teabaggers or whatever, I don't know I didn't read any of them.  Is there really that much significance to be drawn from these events?  It's really more just an opportunity for the talking heads to babble and use to justify whatever views they were already peddling.  But since Obama is leading a national moment of reflection, I decided to reflect too.

I have drawn two conclusions...

My All-Time 10 Favorite Rulers who Coincidentally Happened to be Women

This one is for the ladies, of course... Today it seems more women than ever are taking a role in politics, and more women than ever are leading their nations... but this is not actually a new development.  Women have ruled throughout history and, in fact, having a female sovereign in the ancient world was not all that uncommon.  And they weren't all so frumpy as your Merkels and Tarja Halonens.  Anyway so... My 10 Favorite Female Rulers of All-Time...or at the least the list I came up with in about ten minutes...

Let's Build Some Railroads, America

I would like to bring your attention to a list of figures.  These figures concern high-speed rail networks, and represent the number of kilometers currently in existence or under construction in the countries in question.  A high-speed rail line is one which exceeds 250 km/h.  I just got these from wikipedia but the absolute precision of the figures is not pertinent.

China currently has 8,358 km in operation, 6,277 km under construction.  Spain has 1,983 km in operation, 1,761 km under construction.  Japan has 1,986 km in operation, 510 under construction... France 1897 - 209... Germany 1032 - 378... Italy 923 and well none under construction... Turkey, a country which the average American does not even know exists, has 457 km with another 308 planned.

How much does the United States have?

Zero, motherfuckers... Like goddamn zero...

Pictures of Attractive Canadian Women, One of Whom is Wearing a Habs Sweater

Happy New Year everybody.  Words fail me at the moment so instead let's all just look at some dark-haired girls without very many clothes on.  I like Canada, all its glorious provinces...full of lovely towns with laugh-out loud absurd names... And I like the raven-haired girls with the eyes like that.  So... Go Habs...

And no that Sean Avery-dating puck bunny Kim bauer whore is not on this list... Neither is Avril...

It's actually not even a list... I didn't even count how many of them there are...

Michael Vick Is My Hero

I don't know why it's taken me so long to wade into this issue.  I suppose it's because now that the playoffs are approaching and Michael Vick has done so phenomenally well, every ignorant fool now needs to jump in.  Today I read that professional blowhard/bow-tie enthusiast Tucker Carlson says Vick "should have been executed" for his dogfighting crimes and I lost it.  I'm sick of it.  First of all, Tucker Carlson ought to be executed for how deplorably he has degraded political discourse in this country over the last twenty years.  Secondly, Michael Vick is a hero.  I am not here to defend dogfighting, or excuse any aspect of that business.  I am here to defend Michael Vick as a human being.  So listen up, motherfuckers, cause here comes some truth.

The 14 Biggest Stadiums in the World, One That's Just Cool, and a Bunch of Snark

This one is an awfully straight forward and not terribly interesting topic, so as a result this article turned out a teensy-bit snarky and offensive.  Is AIDS funny yet?  Well, is it?  You guys know I don't mean anything I say, right?  Well, except for hating Mormons...

The 7 Best Things that Happened on Christmas

Christmas, of course, is really just a pagan festival marking the Winter Solstice, which was eventually used by the Germans as an excuse to throw a feast and get drunk (which is interesting considering how decidedly un-festive we WASPs are).  What any of that has to do with Christianity, Hoffstrizz has no idea.  For this reason, Hoffstrizz finds it quite baffling when Christians get worked up about the "War on Christmas" as though this day has anything remotely to do with their religion.  Furthermore if you think Jesus of Nazareth was born in a manger, or born in Bethlehem, you are a fucking idiot.  But it sure is a fun holiday.

Anyway Hoffstrizz presents his 7 Best Things that Happened on Christmas...

12 of the Biggest Planes That Managed to Get Off the Ground Since the Dawn of Aviation

Man has now experienced a full century of flight and Hoffstrizz is still fairly amazed we managed to accomplish that.  Sure we split the atom and created the microwave and the upside-down ketchup bottle and all that, but come on, airplanes are still mindblowing.  Figuring out how to get a hundred thousands pounds of metal to float effortlessly is one of the more ridiculous things man has ever done.  More so because the actual physical principles involved are even crazier than the concept itself.  You think a plane is an amazing thing, but if you took a look at aerodynamics, you would be still more impressed.  And so today Hoffstrizz considers 12 of the Biggest Planes that Managed to Get Off the Ground Since the Dawn of Aviation History...

Hoffstrizz Decides He Hates Tom Brady, Remembers How Much He Hates UGGs

An interesting thing happened about a month ago.  The Patriots were playing the Colts, as they are wont to do, and it suddenly occurred to me that, for the very first time, I wanted the Colts to win.  Dedicated readers will be aware that Hoffstrizz is obliged to "support" the Buffalo Bills as his "football team", but he has thoroughly enjoyed the Bill Belichick era.  Hoffstrizz has generally rooted for the Patriots throughout this period, although they are not officially a team Hoffstrizz supports (Hoffstrizz has a strict hierarchy of NFL allegiances*).  And he has never liked the Colts or Peyton Manning.  The Colts because everything about them is blah, and Peyton Manning, simply because he has always been the Chosen-1.

Anyway, something was different this year.  Hoffstrizz was, for perhaps the first time in his life, cheering for Peyton and hoping Dwight Freeney might break Tom Brady's face.  And then I realized, I think I hate Tom Brady...